Looking back on when I started this I realized that it was the most depressing time of my life. I'm almost embarrassed to read it and see how desperate I was and how I was depending on approval from people who really didn't matter that much in my life. I just needed somebody to validate me. Its amazing how you gain confidence with age and experience in life. Not that I'm entirely self-confident or self-reliant. I do need my family, my husband and my mom to make it through each day. Hearing from my brother's friends about how much he loved me and how highly he spoke of me has also helped me to grow up a little bit. I always thought of myself as a child, and I am often mistaken for a child. I can feel now that my life has taken a new turn. I am just trying to break away from all of those things that I needed so near me so that I can prove to myself that I am an adult. Its amazingly tough so not rely on resources that are so available to you, even when you don't want to. I just want to move to a town further away, where nobody knows me except for my husband. There I want to start a life. I want to prove to myself that I can be okay.

Since the old posts are not who I have become, I'm going to delete most of them. They bug me... so buh bye old college posts... well most of them!

So I started this blog about 5 years ago. However, I haven't posted anything in about 4 years. Needless to say a lot has changed. I hardly see anyone that I've spoken about. I see Benni every once in awhile. Annie-J-Stuff I talk to from time to time. I saw almost everybody I wrote about within the last year... only because there was a wedding and a funeral. I, Nikolina Notpaid4 got married to a wonderful man. A few months later, my one and only brother Gregory Thomas, died in a car accident. So people who have not been in the picture showed up for congratulations and sympathies. I started my senior year with a new bunch of friends, I had a steady job, I got involved with some bad news and I graduated in 2004. I kept the job, some of the friends and I moved in together, and I kept the bad news. One year later, I fell in love.

Kevin and I moved in together in July of '05. He gave me a ring in December and we said I Do on August 26 2006. I love him like crazy. We are living in Cville in a tiny little apartment. I left my job after 3 years,(but I am thankful I had it cause thats where I met Kevin.) and started a new job in LittleOrange. Its alright. I work nights. Its quiet so maybe I'll have to keep posting stuff here... we'll see